A
man found he had no bow tie and needed a bow tie before being
allowed into
the club. He decides to go back to his car and get his jump
leads out and
ties them into a bow. The man then goes back to the nightclub
where he is
greeted by a bouncer who says "I'll let you in but i don't
want you starting
anything in here"
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How much is
it?" he asks
the barman. "For you," the barman replies, "no
charge."
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician???
He sat down and worked it out with a pencil....
And a very apt
joke....
An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender
came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the
Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried
to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured
he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh
air and hopefully that would sober him up. Once outside he stood
up and fell again-right on his face. So he decided to crawl the
4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried
one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up
and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he
tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull
himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell
sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next
morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at
him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What
makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent
look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
again."
and more......
A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face
lift.
The doctor told her of a new procedure called ?The dial? where a
small dial is planted on the back of the head and can be turned
to
tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a facelift.
Of course, the woman wanted ?The dial?, had the surgery and all
was well.
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon.
"All these
years everything had been working just fine.", she started,
"I've
had to turn the dial on lots of occasions and I've loved the
results.
But I seemed to have developed two annoying problems with my
face." "Go on" the doctor said. "First of
all", she continued, "I've
got these terrible bags under my eyes and the dial won't get rid
of
them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "I'm afraid those aren't
bags,
those are your breasts."
She replied, "Ah, I guess that explains the goatee as
well."
----------
Two rats lived in a sewer. One day, one said to the other,
"I'm
bloody sick of this life, you know. All we ever do is eat shit;
shit for breakfast, shit for dinner, shit for tea... I've had
enough of it!"
His mate said, "Oh, cheer up, you miserable git! Let's have
a
night out on the piss!"
----------
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking
about
their sons...
"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the
Englishman. "So we
obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot.
"My son was born on St
Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the
Irishman. "Exactly
the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
---------
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about
their teenage
daughters...
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day & I
found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't
even know
she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my
daughter's room the
other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was
really
shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing
to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found
packet of
condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a
****."
---------
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all
of whom
could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to
an old
physician. After about an hour's examination he came out and
told the
cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad
news was
that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good
news was
that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about
it at
length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and
explained the
situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree,
but under four
conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over
the
noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four
conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause....
The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that
she cannot see
with whom she is having sex."
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with
whom she is
having sex."
"And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures
out with
whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the
fourth
condition?" The Pope replied, "Big tits."
-------------
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
an hour
east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a
problem. No
matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new
22-ft
Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't plane at high speed at all, and
it was
very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power
she
applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted
over to
a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A
thorough
topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.
The
engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was
the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the
water
to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he
was
laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in
place, was
the trailer.
----------------
A blonde goes in to apply for a job and she fills out an
application.
She takes it up to the man and he says you forgot three blanks.
He asks
how old are you, so she counts on her fingers and finally
reaches 22,
okay then how tall are you so she tries to measure herself she
says 5'2,
okay then what is your name, she nodes her head back and forth
for a
few seconds and says Jennifer. He says okay I get how you got
your age
and you height, but how did you get your name by nodding your
head back
and forth, she says I was singing "Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday
to you, Happy Birthday dear Jennifer.
----------------
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started
feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied. "Well, I
think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the
front door and around
to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After
about 60 seconds
the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?"
her mom asked.
"Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to
the back of the church and
returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the
church, Mommy. They
have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the
Sick'."
---------------
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively
mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their
parents
could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town
their two
young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their
wits end
as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had
heard that a
clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children
in the
past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send
the boys
to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as
well. We
need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The
clergyman
agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them
individually. The
8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the
boy down
and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no
response, so the
clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised
his
voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face,
"WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home
slamming
himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the
closet and
said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied,
"We are in BIG
trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did
it!"
----------------
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for
something
to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of
paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a
note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at
the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At
the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that
he
was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred
died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just
before
he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure
there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened
the
note, and read, "you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
---------
Tony and his wife Alison went to the Lowestoft Air show every
year. Every
year Tony would say, "Ali', I'd like to ride in that there
aeroplane." And
every year Ali' would say, "I know, Tony, but that
aeroplane ride costs
ten pounds, and ten pounds is ten pounds."
This one year Tony and Ali' went to the fair and Tony said,
"Ali' , I'm 71
years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never
get another
chance. " Ali' replied, "Tony, that there aeroplane
ride costs ten pounds,
and ten pounds is ten pounds." The pilot Rainer, overheard
them and said,
"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a
ride. If you can
stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't
charge you,
but if you say one word it's ten pounds."
Tony and Ali' agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of
twists and
turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his
tricks
over a gain, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns
to Tony,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to
yell out, but
you didnt." Tony replied, "Well, I was gonna say
something when Alison fell
out, but ten pounds is ten pounds."
-------------
After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger
decided it
was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up
a mirror
and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How
about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his
wife,
Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and
every
morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and
look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the
mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the
ugly bitch he's
runnin' after."
-------------
A girl goes to her mother and says: "Mum, I think I'm
pregnant"
The mother says: "But didn't I tell you to take the
necessary
measures?"
The daughter replies: "But thats just what I did, I
measured them
all and then went with the biggest..."
---------
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for
orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When
you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are
mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear
them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and
a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I
guess
I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
-----------
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and,
clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you
gentlemen owns
the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair
growing
out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at
the
quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I
believe my dog
just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in
the hell kind
of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a
four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy
kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
------------
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from
Phoenix
to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the
mountains
just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single
person
to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered
him a
ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of
the
Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it
to his
bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that
if he
was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he
would
slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another
Corvette
blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike
took
off after the other. A short distance down the road the
Corvettes, both
going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and
radioed to
the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at
over
120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to
believe this,
but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."
----------
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all
night
long.
Morning arrived and the groom went into the bathroom but
couldn't
find a towel when he emerged from the shower. He asked his bride
to
bring him one from the bedroom.
When she got to the bathroom, he opened the door, exposing his
body to his bride for the first time in the morning light. Her
eyes went
up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and
she
asked shyly, "What's THAT?" pointing to a small part
of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,
"Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have
left?"
-------------
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
"Mom, what
are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply,
she tells
Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the
matter
would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father
the
same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says,
"Why
Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow
them up bigger and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks
that's neat
and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours
early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically,
"Daddy! Daddy!
Mommy's dying!"
His father says, "Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy's
dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's
screaming,
'Oh God, I'm coming!' "
--------------
Scientists have discovered that lager contains trace quantities
of
female hormones - something to do with the part of the plant
that
the hops are picked from. So someone did an experiment to
determine
the effect of this on the male...
They took ten male volunteers, and got them each to drink eight
pints of lager in quick succession. At the end of the test, it
was
found that they were all talking complete bollocks, and couldn't
drive.
---------------
It's wise to
remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious
consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business
trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his
hotel, he
decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter,
and his note
was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband
had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
email, she
took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and
fell to the
floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the
screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
MEMORANDUM
RE: Computer Software Warning
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend
1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog
leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife
1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are
further consuming valuable resources. No mention
of this particular phenomena was included in the
product brochure or the documentation, though other
users have informed him that this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application. Not
only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it
is always launched at system initialization where
it can monitor all other system activity. He's
finding that some applications such as
PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are
no longer able to run in the system at all,
crashing the system when selected (even though
they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as
to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as
MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with
each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming
Wife 2.0.
- A 'Don't remind me again' button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife
2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall
at anytime without the loss of cache and other
system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in
promiscuous mode which would allow the systems
hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches
associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with
GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many
problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend
2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall
GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a
long standing bug which I should have been aware
of.
Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have
conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You
think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by
now.
To make matters worse, The uninstall program for
GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving
undesirable traces of the application in the
system.
Another thing that sucks - all versions of
GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying
messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife
1.0
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to
install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0,
Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing
the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will
refuse to install, claiming insufficient
resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress
1.1 on a different system and never run any file
transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar shareware applications that have
beenknown to carry viruses that may affect Wife
1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0
via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name.
Here again, beware of the viruses which can
accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
